Memories hit the hardest when all you want is too sleep.

You know every time I get on facebook I just get a little more depressed?As dumb as that sounds it’s the truth.I feel like I have fallen off the band wagon.This isn’t a post trying to get sympathy or anything of the sort, so keep your “Alexis everything is fine..etc.”nonsense comments to yourself, I really don’t want to read them.This post is just for me to express that I feel like I have been dropped off the bandwagon and I am getting more cynical by the minute.

Everyone on social media websites that I am linked up too just seems so happy.Freshly out of college, graduated from high school and is looking to settle down and too start that family that will just be picture perfect or some bullshit and I just find myself sitting here trying hard not to gag.I use to be that little girl dreaming of some prince or whatever to come sweep me off my feet and I thought several times I had finally found him or that he had found me.But the more I think of it and the more the idea turns in my head the more it makes me feel nauseous.This commitment that most people have the balls to make is a life long commitment with no exits, in my opinion, to leave through.Sure divorce whatever, but the people with the real backbone and balls are the ones that can fight and make it through the day without actually killing the person that yells, fights, makes you feel insignificant in the worst of ways or makes you cry by the end of the day.

I surely can’t be the only one that is so cynical to think that love or romance skipped my generation?Or maybe it really just skipped me and I am the one who is suppose to be alone.Maybe I am meant to be the old woman in the nursing home bitching about cold carrots or the kids getting too close to my mailbox, the old woman who relies on her sister for her daily visits and that she will wheel her through the outdoors every once a week. Romantic comedies and some of the greatest love movies (from Gone with the Wind to Footloose to Dirty Dancing to Moulin Rouge to Breakfast at Tiffany’s and even to Notebook) has lost all appeal.I just don’t get it, something just isn’t clicking.It’s so frustrating knowing I just can’t accept that people can be that happy.Maybe it’s the fact that I have always felt alone in relationships, always thinking I am putting in 110% while the other person just thinks of me as an option?Maybe I am just dramatic?Or maybe I am just stupid.They are all valid answers I guess.

The main point of this whole post is suppose to be of memories and too be honest ever since I left Bloomington all I have thought about is the past.The future freaks me out and with the past I feel the burn of what happened, sometimes getting embarrassed for myself and other times just thinking well that really sucked but at least I know the ending to those stories.I don’t have to think about the unknown.Normally I am not one that goes on the straight and narrow, I am always trying to find my own way even if it’s harder I like the exciting and the adventurous but when it comes to what ill be doing in a couple of years,yeah, you can count me out of that conversation.

Memories can make a person go crazy with happiness, make you cry from that awful feeling your heart gets when it starts tightening up, regret can rack your body like after running a marathon, embarrass you so much that you have to laugh at yourself, make you think of all those other options and roads that you could have picked and anger from not being what exactly your not. Memories are what make you what you are.You learn from mistakes and memories are just the unwritten diary pages in your mind that you got to live, I mean if you have a bad memory you’ll stay away from what was caused during that memory.So the more I think and re-read my words, I think maybe I am so hindered by what I thought was love but merely turned into a bunch of lies and a half broken heart that I will keep most everybody at an arms length and that’s why I hate everyone talking about how bright their own future is because they have certainty of always having someone with them.

The wedding collages and the baby pictures are just getting to be too much.Am I really getting to that point in my life where i have to start thinking of all that nonsense that comes with getting older?I mean I feel like I just got out of High School or even younger than that.I don’t want to see the people that I havent talked to in four years start setting up a life when I have no idea what I am doing with mine.I mean let’s be honest I feel like I am being left in the dust and choking on it.I have no idea what I am doing.I am on a fucking boat, traveling around,which is wonderful, but I am not going anywhere.I am literally standing still watching as the others just pass me by.And all I can think about is “Look at these morons, getting married and shit.Having real jobs and yeah..having a house..”but the more I say it the less people I have to say it too.It’s like everyone is doing what is expected and I am just too stuck in running away from everything to really even face it.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t give up what I am doing for anything (not yet at least) but sometimes I just question what it is I am missing.Something that really hasn’t left my mind since I heard it was this “Oh, when you both broke up I was just so surprised. I thought you two would be the ones to get married in a couple of years and babies not long after.”…That stupid little conversation that went more in depth has not stopped bothering me because I was positive that was what was going to happen.I was betting on getting married and having kids just a few years down the road, traveling around and always coming second without really admitting it out loud because that’s what I thought love was. I thought I was suppose to give up everything, everything I ever wanted and just have babies and be totally content in second place and you know I think really I have aways thought that was what love was.Always putting your significant other in front of your own wants and needs and always suppressing what it is that you want.Its life lessons like these that make the most painful memories replay over and over again in your head so many times that it feels like the thought and the memory is just bouncing off one wall in your skull to the other, just echoing, again and again.What’s worst, is there is no stopping it.The stopping of a memory would be a gift and a curse rolled into one.Sure the gift would be forgetting but how short lived would it be if you ran into the problem again?The curse would be running into this very problem and not being able to already have that memory in your mind so that you would be able to protect yourself from what may happen next. There wouldn’t be a memory in your head to tell you “Hey stupid don’t go down this road, he’s a lying cheating asshole like the rest of the guys you meet.Don’t listen to a word he says.”

In conclusion, I have decided that I really don’t know what love is nor am I ready to find out what exactly it means, I think I will continue to glare at facebook and all of it’s wedding announcements and criticize peoples picks on wedding colors on pintrest by myself. I have always hopped around thinking I had found it,love that is, just to be let down time and time again and I am not looking for the next memory to haunt me before I fall asleep.I seem to always be giving the wrong people the chance and closing out all the right ones.I am not looking for love and I am not looking for anything that goes along with it but sometimes I get to thinking this is a terrible beautiful life not to be able to share it with anyone else. 

with everything i can muster and more.

hugs&kisses&kittens

alexis

 

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2 thoughts on “Memories hit the hardest when all you want is too sleep.

  1. You are exactly where you are suppose to be. . HE wouldn’t lead you down the wrong path.
    Believe in yourself and your dreams.
    You are amazing young woman and will never color inside the lines!
    Xoxo

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